Contrary to What Some Believe, Women Don't Purposefully Choose to Love Bad Men

Updated: Aug 21, 2019

There is a misconception by some that women who become involved with bad men do so purposefully. If you’ve spoken with a self-proclaimed “good guy” about the subject I’m sure you’ve heard the “women choose bad men” line. Yada, yada, yada.

I was working on a web design project for a woman who had written a book about marriage. She is quite conservative, believes that a woman’s place is in the home, having babies and greeting her husband with a smile and a martini after his hard day at work.

I asked her what women should do when husbands don’t come home after a hard day at work. Or, what women should do when husbands slap, kick or knock them around on a regular basis? Her response, “they should stop choosing bad husbands.” Yada, yada, yada.

Setting Your Cap for a Bad Man

Try to imagine if you can. A good woman is sitting home on Friday night. She is doing her nails or her laundry when, out of the blue, she makes a decision. It is time to get serious about finding herself a bad man. And off she goes, turning her back on all those “good guys” while scoping out the local bar scene or church social for bad men.

I’ve heard that each relationship that comes into our life is the universe’s way of delivering a lesson to learn. I want to assure those who believe differently that us women folk aren’t setting our bonnets and hoping we form a relationship with some man who has tough lessons to teach us. It isn’t a bad man we are after; it’s a man to love and who will return our love.


Women don’t choose bad men, bad men are choosing us. And they know in order to get us they have to use certain tactics to reel us in. A wolf looking for prey doesn’t appear in wolf’s clothing. You can bet the bad man we attached ourselves to showed up all fluffy white with their charms turned on. Sweet, little lambs!

What Good Women Choose:

Women fall for them because bad men have a special talent when it comes to playing the game of attracting women. They come out of the dating gate full speed ahead and pull out all the stops.

Us women are attracted to men who…

Have a good sense of humor,

Show empathy for our problems,

Have good manners,

Are well groomed,

Make an effort to spend time with us,

Offer help when we need it,

Consider our feelings,

And enjoy the same things we do,

Bad men can tweak the truth, conceal their flaws and become exactly who they think you want them to be.

It is pretty damn easy to fall in love with a bad man who is playing the role of a good man. It is easy to confuse manipulation with genuine love when a man is sending powerful signals that he will be there through thick and thin, good and bad, through health and sickness.

When a man’s behaviors say, “I love you” women instinctively believe he is safe to form an emotional involvement with. We are safe, he is good, and it’s off to the races!

And then the ride gets bumpy.

What Good Women Get:

You see, bad men don’t reveal themselves until you are his “sure thing.” Once you become his sure thing the fluff and charm give way to reveal who he is and what you’ve attached yourself to.

You find out things such as…

His involvement with other women,

His fondness for yelling, screaming and getting in your face,

He drinks Jack Daniels like it’s water,

Just how exaggerated his feigned interest in you was,

That he would rather live off you than hold down a job,

He has more interest in hanging with his buddies, watching football and scratching his nuts than spending time with you,

His great sense of humor is always at your expense,

He is a stump who doesn’t like sex (with you), long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners or anything else that would require him taking his head out of his ass long enough to consider something other than his own needs.

After all that emotional deception, the hook, line and sinker tactics what you end up with is a good woman wondering how the hell she got where she is and how to change the situation.

And when I say “situation” I mean him.

How does she change him and get back the good man she fell in love with? She doesn’t, we all know that but it takes her time to learn. She may not have chosen that bad man but she will eventually choose to get rid of him.

What’s a Good Woman To Do?

Loving is a choice, who we love is definitely a choice. We can choose who to not fall in love with. Learning to choose who you don’t want in your life leaves room for the man you do want in your life.

It is all about the choosing, picking and selecting. Love shouldn’t be something you “fall” into, it should be something you do purposefully and skillfully. The more proficient you become at reading his signals the less likely you are to be manipulated by a bad man.

Lead with your head, not your heart and focus on these things before going over to the dark side.

1. Notice his facial expressions and body language. The look on his face and how he carries himself can say a lot, pay attention. “To make them look more appealing, men will unconsciously arrange their clothing. They will straighten their tie, brush imaginary dust off their shoulder and adjusts their trousers. His mind says, ‘I want to look my best for you’ and his body responds accordingly,” says Allan Pease, author of The Body Language of Love.

2. Assess vocal tones for sincerity. Sincerity can be heard in people who are interested, enthusiastic or passionate in what they’re talking about and who they’re talking to. If he isn’t sincere what he says will sound false, hollow, uncaring, flippant, and cynical.

3. Get information about his social reputation and especially his sexual history. Find out how others know and perceive him, his character and his history of romantic relationships.

4. Don’t give up the goods too quickly. Insist on time before having sex. This will allow you a greater window of time for assessment and evaluation of him and be helpful in weeding out the bad men.